Off She Goes

Spawn did at home/online MTC this past week.  It was a difficult experience.  They have a lot of down time and she used it well, studying and getting ready, but there was still a lot of anticipation anxiety that came with the process.

My coping mechanism has been an excellent form of denial I call "Waiting Mode."  I can sort of put things on hold mentally.  Last night that broke.  She was leaving and there could be no more denial.

I have been a mess ever since.  I truly don't want my child to be gone for a year and a half.  I know this is good and important.  Not only will she serve the Lord, but she'll develop some badly needed skills for an independent life that we've tried to teach, but often don't gel until one has to use them.

So, this is good.  It's also hard.  I'm being a giant baby about it.  One friend pointed out that at least this was happening on good terms (one of their kids just left and it wasn't so nice).  Another friend related that his relative had just sent her only son on a mission and she is a widow.  I don't know how I'd get through this without Bubbles. 

Part of the difficulty is just change.  I don't like change very much.  This is clearly the end of Spawn's childhood and that's hard.  I have no more children to take care of.  On the bright side, I am a very grown up child, but childish nonetheless, so I expect we'll have years of grown up childhood silliness to enjoy in the years to come.

Spawn's Big Adventure

Spawn has decided to be a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It's a pretty big deal.  For the next 18 months (yep, we measure it just like baby age), she will be teaching people about the gospel.  Hopefully a few of them will be interested.

People can tell you it's tough to see your kids leave the nest, but it doesn't fully prepare you for the pure, animal-level emotion that floods you as they begin the process.  She's starting her week of at-home MTC and it already kind of feels like she's gone.

It was hard when she got too grown up to sit on my lap and watch "Survivorman" together as we ate "Survivor snacks" (they were Cheese-its).  It was hard when she drove off to Jr. College the first time and we watched her on Maps to make sure she got there okay.

Change is hard for me.  This one feels like one of those big, permanent things that you don't ever go back to being the same after.  That's probably because that's true.  She will come back far less timid and more independent that ever before.  Parents know that's what kids need, and ultimately it's the whole purpose of raising them:  "Learn to be a person.  Go forth and be amazing."

It doesn't make the letting go any easier.  Intellectually, I know how good and important this is.  Viscerally, all I can feel is that my baby is leaving.